This is going to be a tough one. For me and probably for you. But comfort comes from discomfort. And to be honest, I’m tired of keeping my mouth closed.
To catch you up, we have opted for surgery. My case was reviewed by several oncologists and neurosurgeons. They all came to the same conclusion. That surgery is best. The tumor is too big and is pressing on my cerebellum causing balance issues. Here’s a map of the brain and what my tumor is causing.
Now, you have every right to agree or disagree with the decision that was made. You also have every right to struggle with the weight of this situation. Please, I want you to feel however it is you feel.
I also want you to consider how I feel. Think for just a moment about that. I have gone through hell and back ten times over already and now I have to walk a burning wire to get through this next health issue. The decision to do surgery did not come easy. It was not our first choice. But in the end, it is what was best for my health.
I am a wife. A mother. A daughter. A niece. A mother. A sister. A friend. A mother. This life I have built is one that is worth fighting for. And I will do so with everything I have. You call me strong. But, I’m scared. And I can’t stress this enough to you. I am scared.
I happened to look back through my texts today and saw so many unanswered ones. Texts to those who have said, “I am just a text away. Let me know if you need anything.” I reach out. And I receive silence. Some of those unanswered texts are from “best” friends. Family members. People who are always around when I’m doing great. But why disappear? It is triggering my abandonment issues.
What has surprised me most are the people who I’ve always seen standing in the corners. They step up. “Do you need anything?” “What can I do?” “Let me help.”
I’ve been blessed with some incredible people who have stepped up and have done for me what I couldn’t ask for. Because I was afraid. The mere presence of someone who only wishes to hold me together so I don’t fall apart. These people will never know of the mess that I would have been had it not been for them.
You’ve held my hand. You’ve prayed with me. You’ve picked up my groceries or prescriptions. You’ve called. You’ve texted. You have answered me every time I’ve reached out. Letting me know I’m not a burden. Thank you. You are who I will choose to surround myself with when I am back to being healthy.
My husband of course is the rock that holds this family together. He stands strong and doesn’t show any worry. In my mind, I think he’s worried that if he’s scared, I’ll be terrified. I am my biggest burden. I exhaust myself. I hate that I have all of these health issues. I criticize myself. I wonder if I could have done something to prevent this. But my husband stops those thoughts. He remains my calm, quiet, shield protecting me from myself.
As a final thought, remember what you say you will do. If you tell someone to call you if they need you, make an effort to answer. If you’ve offered to help, then do so. If you offer to pray for someone, consider praying WITH them instead. Do what you say you will do. Trust me, it makes a difference.