She is me.

Has anyone ever had one of those moments that make you really think about how far you’ve come? I’m sitting on a plane currently when I smell food. During take-off. I look across the aisle and see a very large woman who clearly had to purchase 2 seats. She’s eating. A whopper from Burger King. What I wouldn’t give to be able to eat a whole Whopper. Hell, I’d settle for half. But, perhaps not. I look out my window as we finally take-off and are in the sky. A few minutes later, I look over. She’s eating a 12 inch sub from Subway. She ate the whole thing. In addition to a second Whopper.

My first reaction is disgust. How can someone eat that much? I wonder if she’s eaten more that I didn’t see. I’m positive she has. I want to tell her that I know she can’t be happy with her body. I want to tell her I’ve been there. I want to shake her into awareness and tell her something can be done. 

But, that used to be me. 

I used to be fully aware of the looks I would get when eating in public. I used to be afraid of invading someone’s space. I used to be the one that people would judge. I was that fat girl.

Have I turned into one of those people? The judgers?

What it is, for me, is the realization of what I really felt when I was at my heaviest. You see, I’ve already forgotten what it’s like to try to eat fast so less people see me eating. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to try to hide behind anything possible. To try and make myself as small as possible just to hide from what I thought other people were thinking. 

And for the first time, I saw myself in someone else. It left me without words. I felt shame for judging her. I looked to her again, this time meeting her eyes. I smile as I fear she thinks I am doing what I was, in fact, doing; judging her. I try to smile and apologize with my eyes. But I’m not sure if she understands. 

I see something, though. A beauty that wasn’t there when I thought the worst. You see, when we have judgemental thoughts of others, all we see are flaws. We see only what is wrong with them. I don’t want to live in an ugly world like that. I want to see light. I want to feel happy. I want to witness the good that is in all people. And the only way to do that is to find what is good in each of us. 

That woman, even though it seemed that I was staring, smiled back  at me. A smile that reached her eyes. A genuine feeling of positivity touched me at my core. 

That feeling, it is what I choose to seek in this life. Good. 

I took pictures of my non-scale victory. Being able to cross my legs and have extra seat belt left.