The dreaded question…

You ask me how I’m feeling, and I tell you that I’m feeling well. But, really, you are asking me a loaded question and I am trying to avoid giving you a loaded answer. Why? Because I know you don’t really want to hear it. But, just in case you do, let me tell you how I am really feeling.

Starting this process was a big step for me. I’ve thought about it off and on for a few years. I actually called about it once. But our insurance at the time would not cover any kind of bariatric surgery. When our insurance changed, I decided to give it another go. Woo hoo! They cover it.

During my first appointment, the bariatric nurse laid out what the next 3 months of my life would require. You don’t realize how much is required of you in order to even get to the point when the doctor sends in a pre approval request to your insurance. Everything from meeting with the nutritionist, getting a psych eval, ekg, blood tests, upper gi, etc. I figured, “Hey, 3 months is a long time to get all that done.” And she told me it would fly by. I didn’t believe her.

During my first month, my blood work (they must have taken half of my blood supply) all came back normal aside from my cholesterol and triglycerides. I talked to my primary physician about it. He was very concerned about the levels. He made sure to tell me that people with cholesterol as high as mine could end up needing limbs amputated or they could have a stroke. He explained the necessity that I start a medicine to help bring those levels down. Now, this isn’t the first time I’ve dealt with these levels being high. They’ve just never been this high. Prior, I went on an extremely restrictive diet of protien shakes and protien bars. Not exactly sustainable, but my levels dropped quickly and I was able to stop those meds. Until now. He will reevaluate this medicine after surgery to see if I can come off of it.

At the same visit that the vampires drained half of my blood, I got an ekg. Well, that came back with an abnormality in my heart. EEK!!! That scared the shit out of me, quite frankly. My primary physician explained that on a scale from 1-10, 10 being worst case heart abnormality, mine is at a 1. PHEW!! He said there may be a minor heart murmur, but he isn’t too concerned about it. At the end of April, I have to go to the PAT clinic where they check if your heart and lungs are capable of surviving this surgery. If there are any major concerns, they will come up then.

Next, I had my upper gi done. Let me tell you, I felt like they were trying to roll me up a grass hill with as many times as they made me roll over. But, it was all so the barium could coat my stomach so they could get a good picture. This test is mainly done to check for any abnormalities and to see exactly where everything is. Well, the next day I get a call from the bariatric nurse saying that they found an esophageal web. That I need to have a scope done to “rule out cancer.” Now, everything I have read about this says nothing about cancer. And the results on my chart say “TINY esophageal web.” So, the freaking out about nothing was (hopefully) pointless. I go on the 27th of April for the scope.

At least my psych eval went well. Aside from having a super eccentric psychiatrist. He kept spinning his chair around slowly and while his back was to me, he’d blow his nose and then continue to spin until he was facing me. Questions like, “do the shadows talk to you?” “When you are in your closet, do you hear voices?” They were, to me, comedic. But I know there are intentions behind every question.

Tomorrow is my first support group. I am hopeful about it. I really want to find people near me that are going through or have gone through what I am going through. It’s so overwhelming when you’re trying to do it alone.

Tuesday is my next supervised weight loss. I felt a little let down at the last one, but I think my expectations were higher than they should have been. Now I know what to expect.

Back to how I’m feeling. I’m overwhelmed, terrified, excited, and emotional about everything. I ended up taking a personal day from work yesterday to just catch up on rest. Only to wake up today unable to keep anything down.

Anything I eat, I wonder if I will be able to after the surgery. All of the things that I need to do, I worry I am forgetting something. Sometimes I worry that this is going by too fast. But, I found this on my Baritastic app this morning:

So, time may be going by so fast, but there isn’t a second to waste. I’ve been unhealthy long enough. I’ve felt lousy one day too long. I have been a bad role model for my children and I am ready to change that. Today.