Let’s start with last night.
I set my clothes out every night for the next day. It saves me time in the mornings when I’m already dragging. I hate mornings.
When I went to get dressed this morning, I changed my mind on what I was going to wear. I was feeling frumpy and the shirt I chose last night was, frankly, not baggy enough. Once I decided on what to wear, I got dressed and finished getting ready.
I walked into work and stopped to speak with a co-worker. I told her I was having a “fat day” and was super uncomfortable in my own skin. At that moment, another co-worker walked by and said, “that outfit makes you look skinny, Jess.” Huh? I feel fat, but look skinny?
Throughout the day, a total of four people commented on how thin I look. It made me wonder if it was just my internal dialogue that was making me feel big. Obviously people are noticing that I’m losing weight. But I feel like I still weigh 311 pounds.
I decided that anytime I hear myself say that I am fat, I will instead say, “you are great just the way you are.” I mean, who cares if I’m 300 or 200 or 100 pounds other than me? I’m working on getting healthy, but I also need to be comfortable in my skin at any stage in this process.
After work, I decided to treat myself to a pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks. I don’t know why I did. I’ve never liked them. Maybe it’s that I desperately want to feel that love of fall that so many have. But, to me, fall means that winter is coming soon. And that’s not a reality I want to face yet.
So, here I am, thinking that a pumpkin spice latte will “fix” me. It only took 2 sips for that fantasy to come crashing down. My stomach hurt. It hurt so much that I actually contemplated purging. I didn’t, thankfully. But I will never do a pumpkin spice latte again.
Stats: I’m down 66 pounds!!