I’ve lost 80 pounds since my first appointment with the surgical weight loss team. That’s 65 pounds since surgery. My days usually bounce between two different self talks. I’ll discuss them both in this blog.
Some days, I look in the mirror and still see myself as weighing over 300 pounds. I get dressed so that I’m covering up that fat. I’ve discussed this feeling in previous blogs so I won’t get too much into it. I’ll just explain one example of how I realized this.
Last week at work was a jeans day with a Cubs shirt (jeans day is kind of a big deal when you work at a high school). Now, I’m not a baseball fan, but where we live, I’m told, you are a Cubs fan. So, I needed to get a Cubs shirt. If for nothing else, to be able to wear jeans. When I ordered the shirt off of Amazon, I ordered a women’s size 3x, not thinking twice about it. When it came in the mail, I got my first look at it. Thinking it would fit just right, I put it on the morning of jeans day. It was huge. I felt like I was swimming in it. I’m not sure when I will ever learn that I am not that girl anymore. I’m not in a 3x or 4x top. I’m in XL now. I think I’m afraid of those mortifying moments I used to have when the size I’m supposed to fit is just too tight.
On the other hand, I’m starting to feel bones where I couldn’t before. I have collar bones and shoulder bones and hip bones and jaw bones. They’ve been hiding for so long, I almost forgot they were there. I’m not soft anymore. The cushion is going away. I’m worried my husband won’t like the bony new me. My muscles feel like they’re shrinking and I’m left with this body that is rough and ragged.
While I’m left with two different views of my body, it’s my job to find an adequate medium. I’m not huge and I’m not tiny. And that’s okay. I feel like loving myself can be so difficult at this in between stage. Do I figure out how to accept my body how it is, only for it to change again? Or do I try to focus on who I want to become when all is said and done? I’m not completely sure.
What I do know, is that there are people who are looking up to me and watching as I navigate through this process. My kids, my students, my friends, they all are watching to see how I handle this. In the end, I want them to see and hear how positive this journey can be. I’ve never regretted his decision, even with all that I’ve gone through. And when I lay my head down at night, I’m grateful for a day where I can be a step closer to being the healthiest version of myself. This surgery, it was a tool handed to me. I’ve got all intentions of making the most of it.