I’ve been contemplating this post all night and all day. Part of me knows that certain people really don’t want to hear about this, but the other part of me thinks that this could be beneficial to at least one person. Regardless, I want to be as open and honest with this process as I can. I want to have the ability to come back to this and know how far I’ve come.
Intimacy has never been a problem for my husband. We’ve been together since we were teenagers. I was stick thin and he was a gentleman. Once I got pregnant at 18, my body never returned. I’m not blaming my pregnancy, but after I delivered my son, I never tried to lose the weight. He loved me for who I was, not my dress size. We married and had another baby and I still never tried too hard to lose the weight. Through all of this, he still loved me. My body has changed so much throughout all of these years. And, still, intimacy was never a problem for him.
I say “for him” because my relationship with intimacy has changed as often as my body has. And while making love is always enjoyable, I am always closing myself off to the emotional part. I see myself as larger than I am. Fatter than I am. I see myself as maybe the largest person to have ever lived. My body disgusts me. I can’t help but wonder how my husband could ever want to be with me physically. I am embarrassed for him when we are out in public. Embarrassed because he has to be seen with someone like me.
Last night, I ended up in tears. Why? Because I recognized how large I had become. I wanted so badly to apologize to him for having let myself get like this. It can’t be the same for him as it has always been. I know it’s changed for him too. I know he notices how big I am. Whether he says so or not. Which he has never said. I love him for that. I know he doesn’t understand why I feel like I do. Being with me is easy for him.
I came to the realization later in the night that I should be upset with myself. I let myself go. I didn’t take care of myself. But I will now. Last night will be the largest I will be for the rest of my life. I am taking charge of my body and my mind. I will work on my soul so that intimacy is, if not easy, normal again.
Valentine’s Day is tomorrow. The largest I will ever be again for Valentine’s Day. Next year I will be a healthier version of myself. And I look forward to that day. When I can open myself up fully to my husband. When I can love him without abandon. He is the one meant for me. The man sent to me to share this life. My one true constant. My knight in shining armour. And one day, I will feel like I am fulfilling my role to be the same for him.
curvyfitfabuloss 