Heaviness

Tomorrow is a big day for me. I will have my first surgical weight loss appointment. For those that don’t know, you have to have one per month for as many months as your insurance requires. So I will have one per month for three months. I’m not completely sure what happens, just that there are 5-6 people who meet in a group with the nutritionist. I am nervous, of course. But I know that I haven’t gained weight. (Gaining weight during this process is a guaranteed denial from insurance for the procedure.)

I hadn’t weighed myself since my first appointment. So when I did weigh yesterday, I was surprised I had lost a few pounds. This is definitely a good thing. But I say I was surprised because I am starting to feel things more. The pressure on my knees when I am walking down the stairs first thing in the morning. The strain on my upper back when I have to lean over the sink to do dishes. Waking up in pain because there is just too much weight on this body. I’m not someone to explain away these pains. I know the cause of them. Fat. Sometimes I can feel my body wanting so badly to just collapse on the floor. As if gravity were a force too great for me to bear. But it isn’t just gravity. It is me.

I look forward to a day when I can take the walk with my kids that they so desperately want. To be able to keep up with them while outside kicking a ball around or shooting hoops (which I used to love). To have the ability to be comfortable in my skin when I am with them. I worry that, now, they are ashamed to be seen with me. I worry that they don’t want me around when they can be seen by people they know. I know they worry about me. And I don’t want them to. I just want them to be kids and love their mom in their own special ways.

I also worry that if I don’t do this now, I’ll miss out on so much. And that they will miss out too. I don’t want them to look back one day with a lifetime full of memories only to see a mom who never took the time to take care of herself. I am a strong woman and I have been through hell several times. What woman hasn’t? I want to be the inspiration for both of my boys. I want them to say that their mom fought back and WON!! When someone asks, I want them to say that I, their mom, am their hero and that because of me, they never gave up. I want them to hear my voice cheering them on when they are going through hard times. God knows this life is full of them. But, most of all, I want them to know that because of THEM, I never gave up.

I look forward to a future where I am sitting in a rocking chair on my front porch next to my husband. A dog or two at our feet. Listening to the beautiful sounds of and watching them as they play, our grandchildren and possibly great grandchildren. A smile upon our faces, knowing that this is what life is all about. Family.