Excitement & fear

Yep, that’s right. Three more days until surgery. I can’t wait!!

I’m getting better at this pre-op diet thing. What I’ve found is that not all doctors/nutritionists require the same diet. My pre-op diet consists of two protien shakes and lean protien for dinner. There are a few snacks that I’m allowed as well. What I had yesterday:

Breakfast- Carnation No Sugar Added Breakfast Essentials chocolate shake

Lunch- Carnation No Sugar Added Breakfast Essentials chocolate shake

Dinner- 3 hard boiled eggs

Snacks (throughout the day)- 1 small apple, 1 small banana, 6 ounces fat free milk

I have pretty much the same thing every day, which is fine with me. I do well with repetition.

This week, I finally disclosed my weights on Instagram. Big step for me because they seem so awful and embarrassing. I’m sure that it isn’t just me and that other people have the same issue. Starting with this post, I’ll start putting stats at the end of my blogs.

I’ve started to get a little nervous about this surgery. There’s a battle in my head between, “How did you let yourself get this way?” And, “What are you about to do to yourself?” Is there anyone else out there that feels like this? This fear has rolled into my mind like a storm cloud that’s about to wreak havoc upon me. I’m afraid and nervous for reasons that seem like should be “normal.” The fear of the unknown is one of the bigger obstacles in my way. People can tell you their experiences all they want. You hear good things and bad. But we don’t really know how we or our bodies will tolerate it until it’s actually happened.

And then you (I) have the fear of change. That is the basis of the surgery, right? To change everything about yourself, other than the absolute core of yourself. Because, let’s face it, this isn’t just about food. Social situations are going to be completely different. When you lose weight, people notice you more. Which means you’ll have to learn how to interact better with people. Parenting will change because all of a sudden, food can’t be the reward. All of us need to change our food and exercise choices.

This isn’t just a surgery to lose weight. It is a complete overhaul on my life. It isn’t going to be easy. I’ll need a lot of support. And I’ll need to learn patience, with myself and others. I’ll have to change so many things that this fear of change almost feels like it is drowning me in a pool of mucky water. And I don’t think I’ll be able to see clearly until I’ve had the surgery and have learned how to adjust to that change.

Heaviest weight: 316
Starting weight: 311
Current weight: 297.4